Letters of A Soldier
by BGuate224
Summary: AU; He lied when he said he was moving. He lied when he told her he would stop loving her. She believed him though, and she moved passed their high school romance. While she explored the world he was left with a gun, paper, and a black pen. These are the letters of a soldier writing to his ex lover, his "savior", his muse. Letters she wasn't supposed to see.
1. Chapter 1

**I don't own Degrassi. This is something I'd like to call…Hadam.**

* * *

"_Come on Kid, I need you to get up here so I can show you it before it leaves!" the redhead giggled at her boyfriend of three months. He was trudging up a green hill, panting, already out of breath._

"_H-how do you do this every day?" he managed to get out._

"_I'm awesome…I guess?" Holly J shrugged as she sat on a rock at the edge of the cliff._

"_Okay, okay, I'm up what did you-" but he was soon cut off because her soft lips were tugging on his gently in a kiss that swiftly took away his breath, "Look at the sky." She whispered gently against his lips._

_And he did to see an explosion of lights infiltrating the night sky, booming out with loud noises and leaving smoke and tiny fire buds floating down to the earth._

"_This is the best…place to see the fireworks, don't you think?" she asked him innocently as she looked up at the night sky._

"_...I love you…Holly J Sinclair." He told her quietly as he stared at her shorter form. The lights were reflecting off her light eyes and her red hair never looked so vibrant to him._

_She looked up at him with her large blue eyes, "Adam…I-I love you too." She smiled._

* * *

Holly J's turquoise blouse was rolled up to her elbows as she washed the dishes in her sink steadily, determined to get all of them done before her company had arrived, her French manicure would have gone to waste if she did not have her yellow gloves on.

Then she saw a lone black car pulled up her drive way and a package was left at her door by a general in the traditional green uniform with golden accessories. He rang the doorbell twice before leaving the brown box there and swiftly returning to his car, climbing into the back seat and driving away from her home.

Curious, she took the gloves off her hands and whipped her hand on her apron over her fancy blouse and black pencil skirt. She opened the door to see the box was bigger than she anticipated, large and brown. Bending down she picked it up and it was much too heavy for her but she sucked in a breath and carried it to her living room floor.

_PLOP!_

The impact to the ground was greater than she thought.

Grabbing a knife from her utensil stack she cut into the box and opened it up carefully to see if she damaged any of the insides or not.

The box was filled with paper.

Letters actually.

All addressed to one person, a Ms. Holly J Sinclair.

Furrowing her strawberry blonde eyebrows she picked up the very first one on the stack, it seemed to be very old for the paper was yellow and the ink looked as if it were dulling out a bit.

Using her French manicure tips she dug her nail into the envelope and ripped it open to see a few white line papers with a black pen scribbled on them.

She sat Indian style on the floor and tossed them into her hand ready to read whatever this was.

_Big Red,_

Were the first words she recognized and she let out an inaudible gasp as she recognized the endearment. Her third boyfriend of her whole life had given her that name. They dated their entire high school career.

His name was Adam Torres.

He was inches taller than her with brown messy hair that would fall in his bright blue eyes, with a lean structure, and a bubbly laugh that made her feel warm inside when they were dating.

He was the first one, besides her best friends at least, to see past her bitchy exterior to the frail girl that lay inside of her. And she loved every minute of it.

Peering down inside the box she wondered if they were all from him but I mean, there were about a couple dozen letters in total…

Shaking her head, Holly J smoothed her hand over the paper and began to read to an invisible audience:

_Big Red, _

_ Yeah, I know, it's been a while. If you're confused as to whom this is its Adam…Torres? Yeah we dated for like four years if you forgot. Please be able to tell that I'm trying to joke around in paper and as I read back I see it's failing completely. But it's pen so I can't really erase it…Anyways, the best way I read to not get traumatic stress during war is to elude yourself into believing something else and well…Red you've always been my muse to everything so I hope you don't mind but I'm still using you until this day._

_ I went into battle today, Holly J, me, the kid who tried to convinced you to skip P.E. all the time because I was too damn lazy to run all those laps. Glad you didn't let me influence you though, you're probably still fit while I'm here all army fat…I'm pouting. Anyways back to the topic. I, today wasn't the first time I held nor heard a gun. In training I learned the basics, like where's the trigger, how to load it, how to handle the recoil, best place to aim, etc, but nothing prepared me for what I saw today. Holly J, I killed a man today, men probably. But I didn't try to see it nor did I…actually see it. This may sound crazy but Boo-yah! If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have known how to deal with the situation! After my first few shots I got really scared…so I hid…and closed my eyes…and I saw the fireworks. The gun shots quickly faded into the sound of exploding lights and I swear to God my breathing became normal and my heart was __okay and I stopped clutching my gun like as if it were going to kill me. In my head I saw the night sky and the lights of fire exploding in midair. And then I licked my lips, remembering exactly what you tasted like, felt like. And how I told you I love you. And how you practically raped me- okay, okay, I know too much detail but, it saved me Holly J. _You_ saved me. If you never showed me the lights I…I could've died out there, in the field._

_So here I am, in my bunker, writing to my high school sweet heart because I'm still helplessly in love with you. But I won't ruin this for you._

_When I told you when we were graduating that I was moving-that was a bullshit lie. Holly J I didn't move. I was drafted into the army._

_This letter is to also help my conscious. I wanted to tell you but…I know you. You would've freaked out, honey. And I couldn't afford that because I know that if I saw you do that, I would try to back out._

_My name is Adam Roy Torres; I am a sergeant in the Canadian Army. I am in love with a redhead named Holly J Sinclair._

_I promised myself I would write to you every day, Red. And I will. But I am never sending you these letters. Not now, not ever. You've probably moved on, haven't you? I'm not going to burden you with…me. These letters are for me, myself, and I but they will always be addressed to you Holly J, because you're my saving grace._

_-Kid_

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**A/N: So this is my crackship Hadam…yeah. Reviews would be lovely.  
This huge war thing? I'm not sure if it's real but I was watching Private Ryan the other day and…**

**-BG**


	2. Chapter 2

__A/N: I know it's been a while but bear with me, this is a crack ship fueled by an old RP.  
Please also note that this story is intentionally bittersweet.

* * *

_"Alright class, listen up, we're going to be doing pair work," Ms. Dawes was interrupted by little cheers as the teenagers tried to discreetly pair up, "and I'll be assigning your partners." She clapped her hands together as the class groaned, "We'll be drawing each other-out of class-and I want you to try to capture each other's essence, who they are-" the rest Adam droned out as he continued to pass notes with his best friend, Eli._

**'So that's it? You and Julia are done?'**_he wrote in his blue pen._

**'She's psycho, man'**_Eli's scribble read_

**'So now we're both single and ready to mingle (;'**_Adam wrote back but before he could flick it over to Eli's easel, it was snatched from his desk._

"Oh, what's this? Single and ready to mingle, Mr. Torres?" Adam's face blushed a brilliant red, "Great to know, but you should really paying attention to who your partner shall be." She told him as she gestured to the rest of the class who were already partnered up and sitting across from each other.

"I'm only giving you today to get to know each other during class so, hurry up." She told him with a raised brow.

"Y-yes ma'am." He stuttered as Ms. Dawes walked away, revealing a redheaded girl who was behind her.

"Torres?"

"Y-yeah and uhm..?"

She acknowledged his name with a nod of her head, her lips puckered and eyebrows raised, "Holly J Sinclair."

"_Well, Holly, uhm, nice to meet you."_

"_It's Holly J," she started, "I don't do…Holly." She scrunched her face up._

_He let out an internal eye roll. Greaaaattt, he got one of _those_ girls._

"_So…,"she began, "How about lunch? Unless of course you're actually busy." She finished with a…snobbish tone? He couldn't tell. All he knew was he couldn't wait until this assignment was over so might as well get it over with._

"_Well you know, I usually reserve my lunches for Batman but I guess since I have to deal with you sooner or later, lunch it is." He stared at her._

_She was easy on the eyes, long red hair, left down, face clear of makeup, wee little freckles, bright baby blue eyes, and uh…a body more developed than other girls…_

_And he could've sworn he saw her eyes light up at the word of Batman but I mean, she's one of those popular girls, she couldn't like a superhero. It's simply just not in their nature._

"_Then I guess I can squeeze you in to." She slightly glared at him._

* * *

_He had been waiting for like ten minutes, where was she?_

_He was face planted on one of the benches outside when she finally found him._

"_I think, it would've been easier to find you if we picked a place to meet up." She deadpanned._

"_Oh…right…I forgot about that actually…" he trailed off._

"_Listen, let's just…get this over with." She told him calmly as she ate her yogurt._

* * *

"_No way!" She laughed as he comically acted out what he and Eli did last weekend._

"_Dude, cross my heart! Eli _stole_ the hearse and we drove it through this field, almost crashing into a tree, and we were freaking attacked by a cat!" He almost shouted through his laughs._

"_You guys are crazy!"_

"_You should have some pretty funny stories too right? I mean…you seem like a fun…classy, person?"_

"_Oh you know, I did party with the Queen of England last month," she rolled her eyes, "I don't know…well…uh, me and my sister actually did something…pretty…"_

"_Tell me." He almost smirked._

"…_I made her give CPR to a frog…"_

"_WHAT?" he started laughing immediately._

"_He was dying!"_

_Adam was laughing so hard, thinking of _the_ Heather Sinclair giving mouth to mouth to a frog that he didn't notice himself hit Holly J's spoon of yogurt, flicking it all over his hair._

"_The hell…?"_

"_HAHA! Now THAT'S funny!" she laughed as she reached over to his side of the table and delicately collecting a glob of strawberry flavored yogurt from his hair. "I don't think it's very edible anymore…"_

"_Ha. Ha." He deadpanned as he searched for a napkin._

"_Here, uh, let me…" she trailed off as she took a napkin from her bad and gently started to clean his hair._

_Once it was relatively clean she placed the napkin down twirling a strand of his growing brown hair, "I like."_

"_L-like what?" he stammered. Oh my god a girl has never been this close to his face before…_

"_Your hair, I think it would look even better if you grow it out, short hair is such a turn off." She told him as she sat back down across from him, dabbing a finger in the rest of her yogurt and sucking it off._

"_Good to know…"_

"_You know what?" she started, "I don't think I'll hate this project."_

* * *

"Oh god…oh no…oh god no…" Holly J mumbled to herself as she searched through the whole box, dumping the thing entirely to see if they all were really addressed to her.

"Kid…you…you lied…" she whispered as tears fell down her cheeks as she glanced at all the letters she had already opened. Nearly half.

She leaned against her white living room wall as she let out shaky breathes, still trying to comprehend everything that was happening.

After the first letter she really thought she didn't have the power inside her to read any of the other ones, she was bawling like a baby, but for some odd reason she couldn't _stop_ reading them, they were like cocaine and she was addicted.

Sighing as she ripped open another envelope she hissed in pain as she felt the paper scraping her fragile skin, a tiny dot of blood escaping from the wound. She put her index finger in her mouth and started to suck on it but then recoiled in disgust as she thought back to the last letter she read.

Adam was shot, in the shoulder.

Here she was, complaining about a silly paper cut as he and all of the people in his unit faced danger everyday of their lives.

She suddenly felt so selfish, so…unworthy.

Sighing, she looked at the date at the right hand corner of the lined paper. They were all out of order.

Hmm…

_Dear Red,_

_ Remember when we first met? And that weird awkwardly funny lunch thingy we had? With the yogurt? If not then this is going to be awkward…Well you kinda complimented me that day, something I know is not something you do every day. Holly J? Be nice to people? Ha. No, you're actually really nice; you just…never wanted anyone to think so. Well I was just growing my hair out over that summer and you told me you liked it, the shaggy hair style look. When I think back…all your boyfriends had that before me right? Sav…Blue…yeah, I'm totally making this awkward, sorry. ANYWAYS! When they near dragged me to this freaking boot camp one of the first things to go was my hair-the hair I strived myself to always look good because as a great lady once told me, short hair is such a turn off (; But yeah, they gave me a freaking buzz cut! CAN YOU PICTURE THIS ADAM TORRES WITH A BUZZ BUT NUH UH I DON'T THINK SO. But it happened, look._

What? Look, what does that-oh.

Still tucked inside the envelope was a 5x5 piece of flimsy paper.

Adam.

Kid.

Her third boyfriend ever.

With a buzz cut.

He was right, it did look slightly different on him but not…entirely bad. His eyes shone a bit more, his jaw was much more defined, he looked…older.

She couldn't help but think of the times they had together, _all_ the times they had together that she could remember…

_I don't know what to think, what do you think? I mean, I guess it's less trouble, I see why they do it. I don't get as sweaty on my forehead and it's not plastered on my face._

_Anyways, I guess it's kind of late to send this because I've officially been here in this foreign country for three weeks now but they finally processed the photo and sent it to me and I wanted to show you. I haven't been a part of any the action in a while, and I'm really happy about that. I can't always pretend I'm somewhere else, like, with you. Sometimes I have to shoot, I have to protect the guys, and it is hard but…it has to be done._

_My man Dallas told me why he was proud of being here. Because he was protecting all those he cared about so they didn't have to deal with any hardships…and he said he couldn't wait to show off his body scars to the ladies but uh…I'm not sure about that…You know I've always been kinda self conscious about my body. Eh._

_The boys and I will be heading North soon so I'll probably won't be able to write you another letter for a while…But I'm here, okay?_

North. Don't…don't go North Adam, you'll get shot honey I don't…I can't…

Holly J glanced back at the letter she read before this, him describing the scenery-green plush fields, clouded sky, smoke, rain-and the sounds-loud, booming, piercing screams, bodies hitting the ground, shouted orders, chants-the feeling…

She closed her eyes and pictured it, causing herself harm just thinking of Adam's face pinched up in pain with tears running down his cheeks, maybe really pale, or, maybe burned from the sun, blood, blood everywhere, him on the ground, clutching his green clad shoulder, his helmet impacting the floor as his body dropped-oh god, she had to STOP it!

Crying once again she brought her knees up and read the signature that was found on every other letter he gave her:

_When I told you when we were graduating that I was moving-that was a bullshit lie. Holly J I didn't move. I was drafted into the army._

_This letter is to also help my conscience. I wanted to tell you but…I know you. You would've freaked out, honey. And I couldn't afford that because I know that if I saw you do that, I would try to back out._

_My name is Adam Roy Torres; I am a sergeant in the Canadian Army. I am in love with a redhead named Holly J Sinclair._

_I promised myself I would write to you every day, Red. And I will. But I am never sending you these letters. Not now, not ever. You've probably moved on, haven't you? I'm not going to burden you with…me. These letters are for me, myself, and I but they will always be addressed to you Holly J, because you're my saving grace._

_-Kid_

She felt like dying.

This, this was the torture mothers felt when they learned their child was being hurt.

Or the heart wrench of lover-past or not-learning what happened to their significant other.

She banged her head against the wall again.

Everything hurt.

But not nearly as much as her heart.

But the pain in her heart was probably nothing compared to the pain of what Adam had to go through every day.

Oh Adam…

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A/N: See what I mean? Review please? They inspire me (;


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